Ms. Elliott Leaves Home – A Reflection on Family, Boundaries, and Healing
Ms. Elliott Leaves Home – A Reflection on Family, Boundaries, and Healing
By a.d. elliott | Take the Back Roads - Art and Other Odd Adventures
Dear Henry,
It feels a bit ironic that my first trip after announcing my plan to walk the Camino de Santiago was a trip back to my childhood home. My dad—my mother’s second husband, but the closest thing I ever had to a real parent—is dying, and I wanted a final chance to say goodbye.
I didn’t get that chance. And I’m angry about it.
One of the hardest lessons of adulthood has been learning that love is ultimately measured by how we work for someone’s well-being. Unfortunately, my family has never been able to do that. Generational addiction, criminal behavior, and deep dysfunction have shaped every relationship. Most of my relatives are either actively abusive or enable those who are. All family energy revolves around the “poor” addicts, celebrating their chaos while ignoring the destruction they leave behind.
“The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.” – Marcus Aurelius
After “the accident,” I simply did not have the emotional or physical reserves to participate in the family dynamic anymore. As my health has changed and my energy has become limited, I’ve had to accept the hard truth: I cannot maintain relationships with people who do not care about my well-being. I had hoped this visit could be brief and focused, allowing me to see the three people who love me, and then return home to Roanoke.
The morning with my cousin was terrific, and dinner with my youngest sibling was warm and grounding. However, the visit with my dad turned into something entirely different. Everyone present had opinions about my health, what I “should” tolerate, and what access they believed they had a “right” to. They made sure to insert themselves into my final visit with him, turning what should have been sacred time into yet another confrontation. My last hours with the only parent I ever had were spent deflecting belligerence from people who know they are wrong and push anyway.
Back in my hotel room, as I unraveled the muscle spasms from the encounter, I was struck by two painful truths: very few people in my family truly care about me, and I am simply not well enough to handle their chaos. It took nearly an hour for my body to stop reacting.
“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.” – Matthew 10:14
Still, something good did come from the trip. Flying is physically demanding for me, and I’ve been anxious about the multi-day travel required to reach Spain for the Camino. This trip reassured me that, while long-haul travel will never be easy, I can manage it with a day or two of rest at the beginning. Australia might still be out of reach, but Santiago is not.
Most importantly, the trip reminded me how far I’ve come. Even with all the distance left to travel, I’ve journeyed farther than many do in their entire lives. Remembering that was a gift.
And now, finally, that chapter can close.
****** *********************************
a.d. elliott is a wanderer, photographer, and storyteller living in Salem, Virginia.
In addition to her travel writings at www.takethebackroads.com, you can also read her book reviews at www.riteoffancy.com and US military biographies at www.everydaypatriot.com
Her online photography gallery can be found at shop.takethebackroads.com
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