For Shame! – Reflections on Healing, Grace, and the Weight of the Past

For Shame! – Reflections on Healing, Grace, and the Weight of the Past

By a.d. elliott | Take the Back Roads - Art and Other Odd Adventures

 

Dear Henry,

I’ve been following Father Mike Schmitz’s Catechism in a Year podcast on the Hallow app, and a few weeks ago, on Day 96 (CCC 679), he read the passage about final judgment,  that, in the end, the entire story of our lives will become public knowledge.

That thought unsettled me more than I expected.

You see, I have a complicated relationship with shame. Most of it stems from being, until my early twenties, a product of my upbringing — a chaotic, addicted household that left me defensive, rough around the edges, and hungry for approval. Even now, decades later, I still find myself justifying those years to imaginary people. I rehearse explanations for the mistakes I made as I learned to become someone different from the small, vulgar person my parents raised me to be.

And, if I’m honest, I still feel the need to explain why I finally cut contact with my drug-addicted parents and the siblings who chose to follow the same path.

“It is no shame to have a dirty face — the shame comes when you keep it dirty.”

 – Truman Capote

The constant self-defense is exhausting. But hearing that Catechism passage forced me to face what I was terrified of,  that my past, all of it, might someday be laid bare for others to see.

So I started unpacking it.

Much of what I carry isn’t actually guilt anymore. The sins of my youth,  the recklessness, the immaturity, have long since been confessed and forgiven. The shame that lingers isn’t about what I did, but about my fear of how others might judge it. I realized that the imaginary debates I have in my head aren’t about repentance. They’re about pride.

“Don’t you think the things people are most ashamed of are the things they can’t help?”

 – C.S. Lewis 

Shame and pride are two sides of the same coin, both fixated on ourselves rather than on grace.

Social media certainly doesn’t help. It rewards outrage, dredges up old mistakes, and immortalizes every misstep. It’s easy to see why so many people live in fear of being “found out.” But hiding doesn’t heal anything.

“If we conceal our wounds out of fear and shame, our inner darkness can neither be illuminated nor become a light for others.” 

– Brennan Manning

That quote hit me hard. The only way through shame is exposure, not the public kind that humiliates, but the quiet type that accepts.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much of modern culture mirrors the world I grew up in, the normalization of addiction, casual violence, and exploitation disguised as “freedom.” It’s disheartening to see so many young creators convinced that shock value is worth their soul. I worry about the day they’ll look back and feel the same sting of regret that haunted me for years,  only this time, their choices will live forever online, algorithmically preserved.

There’s a real tragedy in that. Because to be human is to err, to grow, to change, but our digital world doesn’t let anyone forget.

Still, perhaps the answer lies in grace, the willingness to see ourselves, past and present, as part of a story still being written.

And that’s not something to be ashamed of.

xoxo,
a.d. elliott

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a.d. elliott is a wanderer, photographer, and storyteller living in Salem, Virginia. 

In addition to her travel writings at www.takethebackroads.com, you can also read her book reviews at www.riteoffancy.com and US military biographies at www.everydaypatriot.com

Her online photography gallery can be found at shop.takethebackroads.com

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